This week, I listened to the GOP - and my GOP friends - defend a prohibition on abortion even in cases of rape or incest (and some, even in the case of threat to the life or health of the mother). Often, this defense involves, "Why would you punish the child just because of how it was conceived?" I want to respond to that here, publicly, because it says a lot about the worldviews of people when it comes to abortion.
The reason people believe there should be exception in the case of rape - even if you outlaw (most) other abortions - has nothing to do with the child. It has everything to do with the mother. And this is where the worldview comes in. If you believe that a woman's life and health and viability all become irrelevant at the time of pregnancy - that it all must become secondary to the needs and desires of a child - then of course you think that abortion shouldn't be allowed in the case of rape.
But if you believe that women are autonomous human beings who are in the best position to understand their own physical and mental health, then you have to recognize an exception for rape and incest. The reason for a rape or incest exception is because of the toll that can be had on a woman who has to carry a fetus to term. It is about recognizing that the woman is in the best place to understand that toll on her and about ensuring she gets to control and decide what is necessary to help her recover from the rape.
I don't think a lot of men really understand the mental or physical consequences of rape. It's clear that people like Todd Akin don't, but even other men who think of themselves as compassionate and understanding don't really fully understand it. So, I want to explain some of the consequences that I've seen in people I've known.
Below are the consequences I have found most common amongst my friends, colleagues and mentorees who have confided in me - sometimes immediately after, sometimes years after. They were not true for every one of my friends, but they were the ones that were most frequently true. To respect their privacy, I am not using identifying details and I won't use any details that were discussed by only one rape victims; these are the details that have been consistent in their stories.
I want to be clear that while people may want to make gradations of what constitutes a 'serious' mental or physical reaction and what doesn't, such attempts are simultaneously useless and insulting. There's no such thing as an 'easy' trigger reaction to PTSD. We would never tell a soldier the PTSD from war is "easy" because we think we should get to 'rate' PTSD responses. Women respond differently to rape and sexual assaults, and each reaction from a woman is "normal" and severe. There is help available for women around the world (various links are for various countries based on where my most frequent traffic comes from, with general links at 'for' 'women' and 'world'), but it is a process.
Now add to that trauma a daily physical consequence and it becomes so much more. I tried to think of an equivalency for a war PTSD victim, but I can't. The closest I could come up with is having a war victim with a lost limb and then telling them you're not willing to give them a prosthesis for almost a year later because you don't feel their entitled to it. It's not a perfect analogy though, and that's because there really isn't an analogy to rape. It's a unique form of torture (and it is actually used as torture around the world).
The reason for a rape / incest exception has nothing to do with punishment; it has everything to do with empowering the victim to choose for herself what she can handle mentally and physically, what she is able to deal with on a daily basis as the consequence of her rape. Those who would suggest women can just give the baby up for adoption at the end don't understand that those 9 months of pregnancy may cause an irreparable delay in the woman's healing process. It may cause more psychological damage as she faces each day the consequences, and with each kick of the baby remembers what his hands felt like on her skin.
Whether a woman is in a place to psychologically and physically handle the stress of pregnancy - and the minute-by-minute reminder of what happened to her - is a personal issue. It's a singular experience and cannot be the subject of a blanket determination. It is not for someone else to decide whether she's "mentally healthy" enough to deal with this repercussion. It is not for a bureaucrat, or even her doctor, to say what she can and should handle as a consequence of her rape.
People who talk about abortions in the case of rape and incest as an issue of "punishing the child" don't fully understand what rape does to a woman, or the need for women to regain a semblance of control over their own autonomy and personal dignity.
Perhaps those individuals who oppose a rape exception will never understand the reality of rape victims, and I don't fault them for not understanding what it means. I fault them for assuming they understand what it means, and for assuming that simply because carrying a baby to term is right for one rape victim, then it should be right for all rape victims.
I don't usually screen my posts before putting them up, but on this one I did ask a few friends for their thoughts on an earlier draft. Since I'm not a rape victim, I wanted to give a voice for others, not a voice to them, so I asked friends who either were survivors or who I knew were sensitive to the issues to comment. One of my friends wrote back and agreed to let me include the following from her email:
There is no "right" way to handle this for a rape victim. Some rape victims would find the idea of aborting a fetus conceived through rape repugnant. Some would find the idea of carrying to term too damaging. Both are acceptable decisions if they are the decisions of the rape victim, and that victim understands her decision is appropriate for her and her alone. Because ultimately, that's why people support an exception for rape and incest: it's an attempt to give a little power back to the woman to make decisions that are best for her mental and physical health. It's a recognition of a woman as an autonomous individual entitled to human dignity, including mental health, and the right to control, influence and make medical decisions for herself.
Suggesting that abortion following a rape is about punishment - of anyone, father or baby - rather than about a woman making the best choices for herself in the face of unimaginable pain... that's cruel. It's inhuman. It's degrading.
And it shows you have no respect for a woman as an autonomous human being; you only respect her for what she carries in her womb.
The reason people believe there should be exception in the case of rape - even if you outlaw (most) other abortions - has nothing to do with the child. It has everything to do with the mother. And this is where the worldview comes in. If you believe that a woman's life and health and viability all become irrelevant at the time of pregnancy - that it all must become secondary to the needs and desires of a child - then of course you think that abortion shouldn't be allowed in the case of rape.
But if you believe that women are autonomous human beings who are in the best position to understand their own physical and mental health, then you have to recognize an exception for rape and incest. The reason for a rape or incest exception is because of the toll that can be had on a woman who has to carry a fetus to term. It is about recognizing that the woman is in the best place to understand that toll on her and about ensuring she gets to control and decide what is necessary to help her recover from the rape.
I don't think a lot of men really understand the mental or physical consequences of rape. It's clear that people like Todd Akin don't, but even other men who think of themselves as compassionate and understanding don't really fully understand it. So, I want to explain some of the consequences that I've seen in people I've known.
Below are the consequences I have found most common amongst my friends, colleagues and mentorees who have confided in me - sometimes immediately after, sometimes years after. They were not true for every one of my friends, but they were the ones that were most frequently true. To respect their privacy, I am not using identifying details and I won't use any details that were discussed by only one rape victims; these are the details that have been consistent in their stories.
I want to be clear that while people may want to make gradations of what constitutes a 'serious' mental or physical reaction and what doesn't, such attempts are simultaneously useless and insulting. There's no such thing as an 'easy' trigger reaction to PTSD. We would never tell a soldier the PTSD from war is "easy" because we think we should get to 'rate' PTSD responses. Women respond differently to rape and sexual assaults, and each reaction from a woman is "normal" and severe. There is help available for women around the world (various links are for various countries based on where my most frequent traffic comes from, with general links at 'for' 'women' and 'world'), but it is a process.
- Nightly replaying of the rape while they sleep. I can't call it a nightmare because that suggests something your mind has created or conjured up; this isn't their brain playing tricks on them. This is their brain reliving the actual rape. For months, they don't sleep soundly. The sleep deprivation clouds their brains, and that makes them feel more crazy.
- Unlike a nightmare, which you can shake off within minutes of waking up, the nightly replaying of a real-life rape stays with the victim throughout the day. It plays in your head throughout the day. You end up not feeling safe and on edge. The entire day. Then you go to sleep, and it happens again.
- When you see someone from across the street that resembles the man who raped you, you react. This reaction can vary depending on the person, and even with a single person depending on the day. There's no "degree" of acceptability to these reactions, and all are equally bad even if from an external perspective there seem to be degrees. It is a trigger. It is the long-lasting presence of the rape that no one on the outside can see but that you can feel each time you see someone with a similar build, a similar haircut, a similar skin tone, a similar eye color. It can involve freezing while your heart quickens and you have difficulty breathing while you wait to know it's not him, or it can involve freezing and being unable to move even long after you know it's not him. It can render you speechless or it can result in screaming. You can regain your composure somewhat quickly, or you can end up crying hysterically in a bathroom, calling me to calm you down, or to come get you. It's not physical and mental strength you need. That's not what's preventing you from continuing your walk down the street, from breathing normally, or from getting up and leaving the bathroom. What you need is for the fear to stop. It's for you to know that you can continue on your day and not face a man who will again throw you against a wall, or a bed, or the floor, and violate your bodily integrity without your consent. It's to know you won't have to come face to face with him and have him act like everything's normal.
- You sit through a movie with your friends not knowing there's a rape scene coming up, or sit through a comedy show not knowing rape would be laughed at. You're in shock listening to details you feel come from your most shameful**, horrific moment of your life while everyone else finds it entertainment. You fake not feeling well, excuse yourself, go home and lie on the floor in the fetal position. You decide whether you need to call off work for the next day. Maybe you do; maybe you don't, but that night will be another sleepless one. (**Please note this this is a feeling and not a reality. If you are the victim of rape, you do not need to feel shame. Your attacker(s) is the one who should be ashamed.)
- The first time you go on a date with a guy you like, you are fine and having fun until he touches something on your face or your hand. It triggers a memory - because it is PTSD you're suffering from - and you suddenly look at your would-be boyfriend or lover and realize you're pretty sure he's a rapist. Not because of anything he's done but because you're pretty sure most men are rapist. Or maybe you realize in the intellectual side of your brain that that's not true, but you also realize you don't trust any man anymore. You don't have normal relationships with them and you suspect they are all simply assholes.
- You might not tell anyone at first. Particularly if you know - or are fairly certain - that telling will result in negative attention and reactions at work, in your classroom, or by your friends and family. Yet, by not telling, you are forced to interact with your rapist - your boss, your teacher, your colleague / coworker / classmate - every day. Each time he looks at you, you know what he's thinking and you feel the power he has exercised over you. And he acts so naturally that you start to think you might be crazy - or maybe it really was your fault. Because how could he act so normally around you after what he did to you? You shrink and he stands taller.
- If - if - you tell the police, or the doctors and nurses, or a psychologist, you get a sympathetic ear. It gives you hope that others will be understanding. Until you meet with the prosecutor who will handle the case. He tells you there's nothing that can be done; it's your word against his and no jury will convict. He's very sorry, but your pain isn't real enough to warrant the effort. What was the most horrific crime you could imagine won't be recognized by anyone. And you feel embarrassed that you hoped someone would believe you. You feel ashamed because they didn't. And then you start to doubt yourself again. Maybe you are crazy? Maybe you should "just get over it"? But how do you "just get over it" when the person who did this to you is still out there? Still threatening to do this to other women?
- If - if - you've told people, only some will understand. Many - even your close friends and family - will question what you did to "cause" it. Many women - even your close friends and family - will assume it couldn't have happened to them, and therefore they feel safe and smug. They expect you to take responsibility for something you know somewhere inside of you you are not responsible for. But that expectation seeps into your brain and you are starting to wonder what were you responsible for?
- If - if - you've told people, most will understand your shock and its effects for about a week to a month, maybe two. At two months, people stop understanding the PTSD. They stop understanding the fear. They stop understanding the nightmares, or the way in which you discuss the issue. You are left feeling alone, misunderstood, and at times you are made to feel crazy that this is still an issue. Let me be clear: if this is something you're going through, you are not crazy.
- And most of these reactions leave you feeling a little less of yourself, if not a growing hatred of yourself.
Now add to that trauma a daily physical consequence and it becomes so much more. I tried to think of an equivalency for a war PTSD victim, but I can't. The closest I could come up with is having a war victim with a lost limb and then telling them you're not willing to give them a prosthesis for almost a year later because you don't feel their entitled to it. It's not a perfect analogy though, and that's because there really isn't an analogy to rape. It's a unique form of torture (and it is actually used as torture around the world).
The reason for a rape / incest exception has nothing to do with punishment; it has everything to do with empowering the victim to choose for herself what she can handle mentally and physically, what she is able to deal with on a daily basis as the consequence of her rape. Those who would suggest women can just give the baby up for adoption at the end don't understand that those 9 months of pregnancy may cause an irreparable delay in the woman's healing process. It may cause more psychological damage as she faces each day the consequences, and with each kick of the baby remembers what his hands felt like on her skin.
Whether a woman is in a place to psychologically and physically handle the stress of pregnancy - and the minute-by-minute reminder of what happened to her - is a personal issue. It's a singular experience and cannot be the subject of a blanket determination. It is not for someone else to decide whether she's "mentally healthy" enough to deal with this repercussion. It is not for a bureaucrat, or even her doctor, to say what she can and should handle as a consequence of her rape.
People who talk about abortions in the case of rape and incest as an issue of "punishing the child" don't fully understand what rape does to a woman, or the need for women to regain a semblance of control over their own autonomy and personal dignity.
Perhaps those individuals who oppose a rape exception will never understand the reality of rape victims, and I don't fault them for not understanding what it means. I fault them for assuming they understand what it means, and for assuming that simply because carrying a baby to term is right for one rape victim, then it should be right for all rape victims.
I don't usually screen my posts before putting them up, but on this one I did ask a few friends for their thoughts on an earlier draft. Since I'm not a rape victim, I wanted to give a voice for others, not a voice to them, so I asked friends who either were survivors or who I knew were sensitive to the issues to comment. One of my friends wrote back and agreed to let me include the following from her email:
"Forget the 9 months (not really, but for the purpose of my point) - If every time I see someone who resembles him I freak out, I would be terrified to see him in my child and whether I'd be able to handle that. I'm sure I'd love the child, but I'd be so scared that seeing the child would cause flashbacks and fear. I'd be terrified he would find out about the child and want to have contact - thus, meaning contact with me. I'd be terrified of how I and my child would feel if I didn't let him meet his child and was therefore taking my child's "father" away."My friend will, insha'allah, one day make a wonderful mother, but I can't imagine the pain and dread, the long-term psychological toll, that would have played out had her rape resulted in a pregnancy. She doesn't believe in having an abortion otherwise, but said she would likely have one in this case because of the toll that such a pregnancy would have on her. It's not about the child - it's not a punishment to the child - it's about her. It's about what she could and could not handle.
There is no "right" way to handle this for a rape victim. Some rape victims would find the idea of aborting a fetus conceived through rape repugnant. Some would find the idea of carrying to term too damaging. Both are acceptable decisions if they are the decisions of the rape victim, and that victim understands her decision is appropriate for her and her alone. Because ultimately, that's why people support an exception for rape and incest: it's an attempt to give a little power back to the woman to make decisions that are best for her mental and physical health. It's a recognition of a woman as an autonomous individual entitled to human dignity, including mental health, and the right to control, influence and make medical decisions for herself.
Suggesting that abortion following a rape is about punishment - of anyone, father or baby - rather than about a woman making the best choices for herself in the face of unimaginable pain... that's cruel. It's inhuman. It's degrading.
And it shows you have no respect for a woman as an autonomous human being; you only respect her for what she carries in her womb.
Tara,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good post and like you.. I am hearing the stories of rapes and abuses in my head as I was reading through the experiences people I love and care about as I read over what you wrote. Also like you, I am shocked and flabbergasted at some of the ignorant words that came out of men in the Republican party... and shudder to think of the damage they are carving in already abused women's souls. But as someone who has a very different opinion without the same conclusion as you.. might I add an alternative to "having no respect for a woman as an autonomous human being"
Most of what I see in abortion and rape cases being argued is theory. I know people who have been raped. I know people who have had abortions. I do not know people who have been raped and had abortions.(Nor have I seen those real cases being what has been discussed i the media- just theory) I have READ stories of women who have been raped and carried a child to term and kept them and had them adopted, but not the former. I do not know those women personally though. I am pro life, and even then willing to say "I don't know" on the case of "would you make an exception if the woman was raped?" I say all that so I am plain.
My concern is stemmed from all of the women whom I know have had abortions.. friends, relatives and the amount of post traumatic stress I have seen from them. On so many cases they have told me in tears "i wish I had known the consequences." "I was pro-choice, and now I believe I killed my baby" "I keep looking at other children who would be the same age as my baby and crying thinking I killed my first child." This is a conviction that for many of them has come out of no where in a country where abortions are allowed and encouraged. One of them had all the support in the world from people around her, no faith background, and still experienced the deepest remorse and a conviction she killed her first child after it happened. It is situations like these that I know personally and have counseled women through that my fear is that rape being the worst possible thing that could happen to a woman, that an abortion could aid the trauma rather than take it away. The cases I have read (and this is where I am cautious since I don't know them personally - I only have seen the affects of friend's abortions) that a woman has the child: it has had some sort of soothing affect rather than more trauma. I do not understand that. Just what I have read. And the conclusion that that might be possible after seeing so many traumas for women who have had abortions and regretted them.
Just to throw in another perspective. You can be pro women and not left with just a pro choice stance..
Thanks C (I couldn't tell from your blog if you have your name public). I do want to be clear that I think you can be pro-woman and not be pro-choice, and my comment about "having no respect for a woman as an autonomous human being" is not about those who oppose abortion but about those who say that the rape exception is all about punishing the child. I think if you discuss rape only from the perspective of the child - leaving aside the mother's needs or ideas or really any discussion of her own personal health - that's where you fail to have respect for women as autonomous human beings.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an area where reasonable minds can disagree. So I in no way want to suggest that people who disagree with me are disrespectful of women, and I think you raise a lot of really strong pro-woman points. As I've posted on facebook, I had two IHRL students recently write papers about abortion, both coming from the perspective that it should be limited, if not made illegal.They were strong, pro-human rights, pro-woman pieces of writing and I was proud of both of them (I won't go into more detail here in case either of them wants to turn theirs into a publishable piece or expand theirs for their LLM dissertations).
I, too, know women who have had abortions and regretted it. I also know women who have had abortions and don't. I think for most of us the answer really is "Wow - I don't know how I'd react in that situation," and I think even after a rape that is true. I don't know that there is a real answer to what's best. Which is why I'd like to give the individual woman - rather than anyone else - as much power and information as possible.
I think there need to be studies from objective organizations so that we can provide real, hard evidence for women. Maybe a government-commissioned panel from the EU (which has a diversity of opinions and laws ranging from no exceptions to 1-2 trimesters; I don't know of any that allow 3d trimester abortions other than in cases of life/health of mother and disabilities) should get data about women's responses, 1, 5, and 10 years out. And then let women know about the results of that data collection. Let them know what the psychological consequences are from abortion. The more women can be empowered with this knowledge, the better it is for them.
I also think there can and should be counseling for women. I don't think that what Arizona and a few other states have required is appropriate - you shouldn't be telling women a consequence of rape is breast cancer unless that's a fact. But I do think that part of medical care is making sure people understand the consequences of their decisions and the medical procedures they will have.
So, I'm definitely not saying abortion is always right for the woman, or it's always right in the case of the rape. I think, though, we do need to empower women to make that decision, particularly in the case of rape. And I think saying that a rape exception is about 'punishing the child for the father's crime' is insensitive and out of line.
This is extremely well-written. My comment needs to remain anonymous, because my experience to what you've accounted above, while similar, contains additional input that may help another woman who has had a similar experience.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't handle the replays in my head, the recoiling, any of it. I was date raped in college freshman year, by a frat guy after a night downtown. I said NO, but I was too drunk to fight. I got no sympathy from those I told – I got, “Well, you like him” and “Well, you were drunk.” I chose not to report it cos (gasp!), I wasn't a virgin. I'd had sex once before, so I had to be looking for it, right?
Wrong. I wasn't. I did flirt with him that night, but I said no. In order to cope, I did what I was raised to do - I swept it under the rug & acted as if everything was fine. I drank before that, the binge drinking that a lot of college kids experiment with, but I threw myself into it in earnest - I learned quickly that alcoholic oblivion would give me some release from the replays, some reprieve from the feelings of shame. I kept up appearances outside of party girl mode (thank GOD). I joined every club known to man, I attended my classes and I applied myself to my work. Keeping busy by day, staying drunk by night was how I coped.
As ‘drunk girl’, I became the target of date-rape several more times. I continually put myself back in situations which I knew were dangerous. But I needed the booze, and hell, what’s one more? My esteem was obliterated. One night, while drinking with my sorority sisters, one of the ‘goody-goodies’ said, "I would love to, just once, be that woman who approaches a guy & whispers, 'I want you for one night, and one night only.' just to see his reaction." Something in me snapped. I was already insane from the alcohol & the after-effects of the rapes, but in my mind, it made total sense as the solution to the date-rape problem... if I demand it, it can't be taken from me. So I buried myself further into the booze, started picking guys up, and lost another big chunk of my soul in the process. I felt empowered in my mind, and broken in my soul.
After college, I moved abroad to teach English. I was in a country where drinking is pervasive. I threw myself into that culture, full-force. I maintained the work hard/play hard lifestyle. I slept with more men than I can count. I was raped once or twice, but for the most part, I gave it away, acting as if it were my choice.
I don't know at what point I crossed the line from heavy drinker to full-blown alcoholic, but it was inevitable, the way I was going. I know I was prone to it from the outset, but I definitely escalated it due to my rape experiences. I have been sober for many years now, and I hear similar stories from many women in Alcoholics Anonymous. They start drinking or escalate their drinking as a way to cope with sexual abuse or rape. It is incredibly shame-inducing to a woman with substance abuse issues because the attitudes towards women who are not sober are such that, "We are asking for IT." When in many cases, we get in that state because we didn't feel strong enough to recover from IT in the first place.
In AA I have found a way of living, through the 12 steps of recovery, that is helping me to face & walk through those hurts, to put the broken pieces of my soul back together. Seeing these discussions aired nationally, by men no less, raises my hackles in the worst way. I don't know what's worse - that they pretend to have no idea how damaging rape is to a woman, or that they just don't care. They'd sing a different tune if it were their loved ones on the receiving end. But they need to pander to the religious nutjob faction of the American populace. It sickens me.
There is a character limit to posting, so I had to write a second comment to the one above. During one of my rape encounters while abroad, I was impregnated. It was the only time I was brutalized, but that doesn't change the level of internal harm it does to the soul. I terminated that pregnancy. I do not regret the decision at all. I do feel guilty because I know society tells me I should feel guilty, but I don't feel bad about the decision, and I DID weigh out the options with the help of a friend (a Catholic, no less). That child didn't stand a chance with the amount I was drinking. and that it was the product of a rape, I would have had to drink more than I already was. My friend agreed that I was making the right decision for the child.
ReplyDeleteI've only told a few people, and a couple of the reactions were such that I should be ashamed of myself, that I should have just quit drinking for the sake of the baby. It is so damaging to hear that. I was raised with ethics & morals. When you have not walked in another's shoes, you have no right, NONE, to presume to know what is best for them. I was raised catholic, when I was younger, I believed that I would never be able to abort a fetus. Becoming a victim, and having to deal with that pain, changes EVERYTHING...
So again, that a woman's choices is even up for debate, that people are discussing whether rape is legitimate or not, and that others presume to know what is right for another. It sickens me, and it scares me how close to a church state there are some who wish to bring this country.
Besu, I don't know if you'll ever read this comment, but I want to first thank you for sharing your story with me, and with the others who read this. It's a brave thing to be willing to be so honest, and I know that others will appreciate your openness as well. I do hope that someday that your words will help another woman.
DeleteNow, let me be a part of society that tells you you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You made a decision that you felt was best for you given all the circumstances that you knew. That's all any of us can do.
I hope your recovery - on all levels - is going well. If you ever need to talk, I'm assuming you know how to get ahold of me and you're welcomed to do so. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you - whoever you are. xx