I was having a conversation with a friend about the movie Trainwreck. It's sadly not out in Denmark yet and by the time it is, I'll be getting ready to head to another country for a little bit. This, by the way, is why I missed about 2 years worth of really good movies when I was in Japan; they'd come out in the US while I was in Japan and be gone by the time I would return to the US, at which point they'd be released in Japan. Not to get too melodramatic, but it was a nightmare.
What my friend said about Trainwreck has me thinking about what it means to be a single woman, particularly one who will shortly be entering her "late 30s" (shockingly that did give me a little gut punch but nothing particularly strong... I'm enjoying my mid 30s; I think my late 30s will be pretty fun).
At this point, I feel the need to issue a spoiler warning despite not actually having watched the movie myself. Oh, and most of the rest of the post is about how the movie contributes to a systematic misrepresentation, misunderstanding and devaluing of non-married women over the age of 32-ish, so if you can't handle the spoiler, you might wanna skip out on the post.
So spoiler warning:
She told me that part of the plot point is how Amy Schumer doesn't know how to have a "normal" relationship and she realizes she doesn't think she deserves normality. She's "broken" and doesn't know how to do things like resolve an argument without just leaving the other person. But thankfully Bill Hader is normal and thinks she does deserve normality and in doing so teaches her how to love and be in a relationship.
So that's the end of the official spoiler warning.
Now, I understand that this is one story about one woman, and it's a legitimate story. I mean, we all know someone who was / is a trainwreck, and some of us have been that person for a bit of time.
The problem is that this is now the main portrayal of women over 30 who are still single and it permeates the society and ultimately our conversations about women over 30. The prevailing wisdom is that there must be something broken about single women over a certain age. If only they knew how amazing they were, or if they opened themselves up to love, then it would just magically float into their lives and all would be well and right with the world.
My parents are going to disown me for telling this story so publicly (it's fine, my extraordinarily wonderfully normal sister loves me and will ensure I still get an inheritance... it might be whatever toilet paper is left in the bathroom when they die, but that's fine).
A few weeks ago my parents were visiting and felt the need to say -- more than once -- that they hoped I understood how deserving I was of love.
They said it in the way a grandmother might say things like, "Oh, honey, don't worry that you're staying home on prom night; some day all the boys are going to be chasing you."
I groaned. Audibly.
I know my parents meant well, and I know they say it out of a real desire for me to be happy. For them, finding one another and loving each other for 45 years (seriously! This week! Anniversary! Yay Mom and Dad!) gave them a great deal of happiness. As did raising at least 2 of their 3 children (sorry for, well, you know, ages 8 to 27. And all your gray hair. And the bald spot. And probably Dad's hearing loss... and some stress-related weight gain...).
So I know they say things like this to me because they want me to be happy, to feel loved, and to gain all they did from life. For them, happiness and satisfaction in life comes, at least in part, from that love and family foundation. Since I'm still single, I know they worry I'm not getting all of that, and therefore am not as happy as I could be.
Since there's no other reason for me not to be married, it must be -- as Hollywood and society tells us -- that I just don't realize how lovable and marriable* I am.
Despite my parents' grand intentions, the sentiments are just ... really insulting. It's based on this belief that a woman cannot be satisfied -- or loved! -- without some guy putting a ring on it. It's the socially acceptable inverse of the start of Pride and Prejudice: it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman of a certain age must be in need of a husband.
And that, apparently, is the premise of Trainwreck (I am still going to see it as soon as I can).
Of course I know how deserving I am of love because I am, actually, extraordinarily loved.
I actually think most of the time, I am probably the most blessed person in the world.
That doesn't mean I don't have problems and I'm certainly not the richest person in the world. But I think I'm the most blessed. People used to tell me "if you have one true friend in the world, you're lucky." But I don't have one true friend - I have at least 100. And I don't mean that guy I once sat next to in that class with the teacher whose name I can't remember. I mean, like 100 friends that if I were in jail I could call and say "Can I borrow some money for bail," and I think as long as I wasn't rightfully accused of genocide or crimes against humanity, they would come.
These friends are unbelievably good people who are doing incredible things with their lives. The fact that I get to be in their lives, feeding into their great works, benefitting from their incredible spirits, and truly loving and being loved by them is an incredible gift that leaves me not only fulfilled but pretty certain there are people who have been married for a long time and have never felt so completely loved and appreciated as I do without getting married.
I also have an amazing job. It lets me travel, engage with interesting people, and work on important issues that I am truly passionate about. And since I'm doing that job in a Scandinavian country, I actually get paid a decent salary!
The fact that I'm still single isn't because I don't get how great I am. It's because I do.
People think I'm humble because I'm often self-depricating but I'm self-depricating because 9 times out of 10 if I said how amazing I actually thought I was, people wouldn't want to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me. Who wants to hear someone talk about themselves that way?
I mean if I did go around talking about myself like that I could potentially delude myself into running for President (I actually felt physically ill visiting that site & I don't think last night's shisha had anything to do with it).
For as much as I like myself, I am content to live my life as it is even if I never again fall in love. (Oh, yeah... I have been in love. I'm not adverse to it. I know what it feels like when it starts. I also know what it feels like when it ends.)
For me to want to alter the life I have -- and anyone who has seen would require not just a nice guy but an amazing one.
I have, in fact, met some amazing men, but for a variety of reasons it hasn't worked in the long-term. Only once was that "variety of reasons" been an issue of my end. And by "issue" I mean... I screwed the pooch on that one by not understanding what was going on. Yes, if I could go back and redo that relationship, everything would be different. But I can't. That's not to say that I was perfect in my other relationships, but that their end was about issues that were more complex than a division of responsibility, and which reflected that they weren't someone I should be trying to marry.
Being over 30 and a single woman is not always an indicator of a problem. It doesn't mean someone is Trainwreck'ed. Sometimes it just means that God and life haven't brought the right person their way.
Unfortunately, whenever I point that out, people feel the need to say "But, don't worry-- someday, someone amazing will come."
Seriously, please stop telling me that. You don't actually know. I don't know.
And I'm really okay with that. Because I'm not a train wreck.
What my friend said about Trainwreck has me thinking about what it means to be a single woman, particularly one who will shortly be entering her "late 30s" (shockingly that did give me a little gut punch but nothing particularly strong... I'm enjoying my mid 30s; I think my late 30s will be pretty fun).
At this point, I feel the need to issue a spoiler warning despite not actually having watched the movie myself. Oh, and most of the rest of the post is about how the movie contributes to a systematic misrepresentation, misunderstanding and devaluing of non-married women over the age of 32-ish, so if you can't handle the spoiler, you might wanna skip out on the post.
So spoiler warning:
She told me that part of the plot point is how Amy Schumer doesn't know how to have a "normal" relationship and she realizes she doesn't think she deserves normality. She's "broken" and doesn't know how to do things like resolve an argument without just leaving the other person. But thankfully Bill Hader is normal and thinks she does deserve normality and in doing so teaches her how to love and be in a relationship.
So that's the end of the official spoiler warning.
Now, I understand that this is one story about one woman, and it's a legitimate story. I mean, we all know someone who was / is a trainwreck, and some of us have been that person for a bit of time.
The problem is that this is now the main portrayal of women over 30 who are still single and it permeates the society and ultimately our conversations about women over 30. The prevailing wisdom is that there must be something broken about single women over a certain age. If only they knew how amazing they were, or if they opened themselves up to love, then it would just magically float into their lives and all would be well and right with the world.
My parents are going to disown me for telling this story so publicly (it's fine, my extraordinarily wonderfully normal sister loves me and will ensure I still get an inheritance... it might be whatever toilet paper is left in the bathroom when they die, but that's fine).
A few weeks ago my parents were visiting and felt the need to say -- more than once -- that they hoped I understood how deserving I was of love.
They said it in the way a grandmother might say things like, "Oh, honey, don't worry that you're staying home on prom night; some day all the boys are going to be chasing you."
I groaned. Audibly.
I know my parents meant well, and I know they say it out of a real desire for me to be happy. For them, finding one another and loving each other for 45 years (seriously! This week! Anniversary! Yay Mom and Dad!) gave them a great deal of happiness. As did raising at least 2 of their 3 children (sorry for, well, you know, ages 8 to 27. And all your gray hair. And the bald spot. And probably Dad's hearing loss... and some stress-related weight gain...).
So I know they say things like this to me because they want me to be happy, to feel loved, and to gain all they did from life. For them, happiness and satisfaction in life comes, at least in part, from that love and family foundation. Since I'm still single, I know they worry I'm not getting all of that, and therefore am not as happy as I could be.
Since there's no other reason for me not to be married, it must be -- as Hollywood and society tells us -- that I just don't realize how lovable and marriable* I am.
*I know that technically the right word is "marriageable" but I also invented 'halflove' and 'couroppledge' this week, so I'm pretty sure I am no longer bound by the English language and "marriageable" contains connotations of simply being of the right age or class, and that's not what I mean.
Despite my parents' grand intentions, the sentiments are just ... really insulting. It's based on this belief that a woman cannot be satisfied -- or loved! -- without some guy putting a ring on it. It's the socially acceptable inverse of the start of Pride and Prejudice: it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman of a certain age must be in need of a husband.
And that, apparently, is the premise of Trainwreck (I am still going to see it as soon as I can).
Of course I know how deserving I am of love because I am, actually, extraordinarily loved.
I actually think most of the time, I am probably the most blessed person in the world.
That doesn't mean I don't have problems and I'm certainly not the richest person in the world. But I think I'm the most blessed. People used to tell me "if you have one true friend in the world, you're lucky." But I don't have one true friend - I have at least 100. And I don't mean that guy I once sat next to in that class with the teacher whose name I can't remember. I mean, like 100 friends that if I were in jail I could call and say "Can I borrow some money for bail," and I think as long as I wasn't rightfully accused of genocide or crimes against humanity, they would come.
If I was rightfully accused of genocide or crimes against humanity, I wouldn't blame them for not coming because it would suggest I've changed so fundamentally in who I am that the very premise of our friendship is no longer valid.These friends let me know regularly how incredibly loved I am, despite knowing everything that's wrong about me.
These friends are unbelievably good people who are doing incredible things with their lives. The fact that I get to be in their lives, feeding into their great works, benefitting from their incredible spirits, and truly loving and being loved by them is an incredible gift that leaves me not only fulfilled but pretty certain there are people who have been married for a long time and have never felt so completely loved and appreciated as I do without getting married.
I also have an amazing job. It lets me travel, engage with interesting people, and work on important issues that I am truly passionate about. And since I'm doing that job in a Scandinavian country, I actually get paid a decent salary!
The fact that I'm still single isn't because I don't get how great I am. It's because I do.
People think I'm humble because I'm often self-depricating but I'm self-depricating because 9 times out of 10 if I said how amazing I actually thought I was, people wouldn't want to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me. Who wants to hear someone talk about themselves that way?
I mean if I did go around talking about myself like that I could potentially delude myself into running for President (I actually felt physically ill visiting that site & I don't think last night's shisha had anything to do with it).
For as much as I like myself, I am content to live my life as it is even if I never again fall in love. (Oh, yeah... I have been in love. I'm not adverse to it. I know what it feels like when it starts. I also know what it feels like when it ends.)
For me to want to alter the life I have -- and anyone who has seen would require not just a nice guy but an amazing one.
I have, in fact, met some amazing men, but for a variety of reasons it hasn't worked in the long-term. Only once was that "variety of reasons" been an issue of my end. And by "issue" I mean... I screwed the pooch on that one by not understanding what was going on. Yes, if I could go back and redo that relationship, everything would be different. But I can't. That's not to say that I was perfect in my other relationships, but that their end was about issues that were more complex than a division of responsibility, and which reflected that they weren't someone I should be trying to marry.
Being over 30 and a single woman is not always an indicator of a problem. It doesn't mean someone is Trainwreck'ed. Sometimes it just means that God and life haven't brought the right person their way.
Unfortunately, whenever I point that out, people feel the need to say "But, don't worry-- someday, someone amazing will come."
Seriously, please stop telling me that. You don't actually know. I don't know.
And I'm really okay with that. Because I'm not a train wreck.
I agree that you are an amazing woman.
ReplyDeleteEdmore, I've already told you this via Facebook, but I'm so glad you're in my life! You're an amazing man!
ReplyDelete