ThatLawyer already wrote an open letter to the men in her life she's hooked up with, and it pretty much sums up my sentiments for the men in my life I've ever hooked up with - or will hook up with. I want to write a letter to the men in my life I've never hooked up with.
There are a few caveats, though, and unlike ThatLawyer I won't make you scroll down to the footnotes to find them. This doesn't apply to you if: (1) I have hooked up with you (with all the ambiguity ThatLawyer recognizes in the definition of "hooked up"); (2) I'm related to you; or (3) you've only ever been tangentially in my life. #3 applies to the guys I went to school with but by graduation I couldn't remember a single conversation we had had that went further than the courtesy "'sup?" "not much, man." This is, for the most part, for my friends. My just friends friends.
This is a letter for the men who have come into my life and left their imprint (or continue to leave their imprint). Some I almost dated, but only two are included who I actually dated. One of them later told me he's gay, finally answering all the unanswered questions I had about why it didn't work out. The other was just a really good guy but we had really bad timing.
Some of the others I thought I would ultimately end up with, but it's never happened. Most I never even thought I would date. This isn't to say they're undateable (a word spellcheck doesn't recognize but I think should exist). When I met them, I just knew it would never work out: they're married; they're engaged; they're my student; I met them when they were dating my friend; I thought they were assholes when I first met them and when I finally learned to like them I already knew I would never fall in love with them.
These are the men I have no regrets with (except for the two I actually dated and one I really should've dated).
To those men, I want to say this:
Thank you.
Seriously, thanks. You have taught me what I want in life - and sometimes what I don't want - without forcing me to go through any of the angstyness that Hollywood associates with teen love but that for single women can really last well into our 30s. You have taught me what love is without eventually breaking my heart (or forcing me to break yours). And you have brought humor into my life without it coming from a re-telling of a date gone horribly wrong.
You have, at times, been the one I turned to when I wondered what was wrong with me. Thank you for saying it's not me. I don't know if you were lying or not, but I appreciate even the fake reassurances. Thanks for occasionally telling me all my ex-boyfriends were losers, but not doing it so often that I start to think I'm only attracted to losers. And thanks for finding creative ways to tell me they're kind of losers, like I just hadn't found someone who wasn't awesome enough to be half of my whole. I know they're not really all losers, but sometimes I've needed you to say it anyhow.
I've watched how you treat your wives and girlfriends. While my expectations for how to be treated are, of course, principally influenced by my family, you have also helped form my opinion about what to expect, and what I can't accept. I appreciate the public kindnesses you show your girlfriend / fiance / wife, and I cringe when I hear you complain about them behind their backs. I can only imagine what my boyfriend(s) must say about me in similar circumstances. I know I talk too much - we all know we talk too much for you. I guess I'm glad, though, that you say it to me and not her. She probably doesn't deserve that.
You, however, probably deserve better. Why do you put up with someone who only tells you all the things you've done wrong and never shows you the public kindnesses you so richly deserve? Would it kill the girl to throw you a public compliment every now and again? You are (probably) a good guy; I wouldn't actually have been friends with you but for that. I realize the sex must be amazing, but as my father once told my great-grandmother: you have to get out of bed sometime. (True story.) Get out of bed! If you still like her as a person, then stay with her. But based on all you tell me, I sometimes doubt you really like her as a person.
That said, I have been sick when you hit on me when you have a girlfriend / fiance / wife - and I mean really hit on me, not the harmless flirting I love to engage in with almost anyone. You knew you had a girlfriend / fiance / wife. I knew you had one, and you knew I knew you had one. So why make me feel so bloody cheap? Like Taylor Swift, even if I don't know the other woman in your life, I'll "feel an obligation to do what's upstanding and right." Oh, and "I'm no one's exception, this I have previously learned." This isn't to pretend I haven't sometimes been tempted. I have, a few times. But I've never gone through with it because it just makes me feel so gross. Like I need to walk away and take a shower right away gross. And no, that shower won't be a good thing.
I really don't understand how I feel more guilt and a greater obligation to a woman I may never have met than you do to the woman you've promised to honour and respect. And yes, that's the promise you make when you're dating us; the real difference between a monogamous relationship and marriage is that the latter is supposed to last for forever. You don't get to treat a girl like she's expendable and cheap simply because she's not your wife. Perhaps it's because I've been cheated on, but when you hit on me you're actually hurting me. It makes me doubt that I'll ever find someone I want to be with who I also trust enough to be with. If the men I do trust in every other area of my life habitually cheat, how in the world am I supposed to trust someone not to cheat on me?
And for that, thank you to those of you who haven't cheated. That includes those of you who are reformed cheaters; the ones who found the right girl and stopped trying to emulate Hugh Heffner - robe and all. You really do give me hope. I remember when one of my exes cheated and all his friends said, "I really thought he'd changed." I thought at the time, "Men can't change." I do still kind of wonder if they can, but you did so I have hope that when my future significant other says "Yeah, I once cheated on my ex-girlfriend," he's really confessing a former habit rather than a continuing one. Please tell me if that's naive.
It drives me crazy that I know you rolled your eyes when I used Taylor Swift. I know she writes for an average audience of 17. I don't care. She's fun; sometimes her lyrics work in real life. I'm not pretending she's an existential theorist who uses song as her medium. I'm just enjoying something I can dance to for 30 seconds in my living room when I need a break.
Thanks for the gifts you've given - and the salsa you've danced with me. I need salsa, but going to a club as a single woman inevitably means a great deal of discomfort. The salsa teachers - who are so much fun to dance with! - only want to dance with you because they think you'll eventually buy lessons and no one will be around to sweep you away. The single guys you've never met want to dance but they're either so busy trying to remember the steps that they're no fun, or they're too busy trying to hit on you that they can't dance. Either way, it's nice to have a guy friend to dance with, even if it's only one song out of ten. So stop telling me you don't know how to do it - 90% of the men in the club don't know how to do it and the others just want my money in the end! I'll take dancing with you and your two left feet over the other choices any day. It's way more fun.
And the presents - they matter not because they cost you something, but because they last. It has sucked when all my presents from guys are the things I want to discard when the relationship is over. Your presents, though, get to stay around and every time I pick up that key chain / stuffed animal / cushion cover / Christmas ornament / scarf / purse / necklace / ring / earrings / book, I say a little prayer of thanks for you. I need these reminders; the reminders that the good guys are out there and they're really very good. It's nice to be reminded that I do have normal, sane, healthy relationships with really great men. Maybe one day I'll even get to have that with sex!
You have often made me laugh, sometimes to the point of tears. Unfortunately, your toilet-humour has worn off so that sometimes I say something really raunchy. I know that you love it when you say it, and find it a turn-off when a woman does. I kind of hate that double standard. The thing is, I like making people feel comfortable and I am pretty laid back, so I will generally follow the other person's lead on the tone of a conversation. If you don't want me to be as gross as you, just don't be gross in front of me. Or get rid of the double standard.
I appreciate that you challenge me. I hate that you usually do it while talking down to me. I'm not going to say I'm smarter than you, because I'll only ever be smarter than you in some things; just like you'll only ever be smarter than me in some things. But I am pretty frigging intelligent. I can understand arguments and logic; I know the difference between facts and opinions. If I disagree with you, it's not because I don't know understand your point. It's because I understood your point, respect your position and still disagree with your conclusions. Could you please afford me the same courtesy?
I do, however, know that our disagreements have made me a stronger person, a clearer thinker, and
a better writer. Having to listen to men - including my male friends - incessantly want to explain things to me, makes me realize how valuable the few words I can fit in are. It's why when you take a breath - after 10 minutes of telling me how little I know - I jump in. It's because I've been trying to be polite and not just interrupt but let's be honest: sometimes I feel like Jim Lehrer at the first US Presidential Debate. I just want to finish a full thought! So I'll take those 30 second breaks you have and use them to my advantage. In doing so - even though this post would suggest otherwise - I've learned to be quick and clear in conveying my knowledge.
I am grateful that you never put me on a pedestal and engage with me an as actual human being rather than some fragile little doll you're afraid of upsetting. I hate when I'm dating a guy and suddenly all the interesting conversations stop because they've become so concerned about impressing me that they stopped engaging with me. On the other hand, I hate it when a guy is so turned on by the fight that he's always looking for a new way to disagree with me. He also stops engaging with me, just in a different way. But you haven't, and I'm grateful. Of course, our constant disagreements about everything from gun control to abortion rights to the "fiscal cliff" may be one of the reasons you're undateable to me...(I would say 'just kidding,' but I'm not really. It doesn't mean I don't think you're great; you're just probably not great for me.)
So thank you. For listening, for making me laugh, for challenging me, and for pointing me closer to the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of man I'm willing to be with. And thanks for doing it while not seriously scarring me. I'm sorry if our not hooking up has ever left you feeling used or undesired. You're not - you're pretty awesome actually, and as a result I'm really glad you came into my life.
xoxo
T
And like ThatLawyer, let me say that you shouldn't assume this was to you. It might be; but it's unlikely all of it will be relevant to any of you.
There are a few caveats, though, and unlike ThatLawyer I won't make you scroll down to the footnotes to find them. This doesn't apply to you if: (1) I have hooked up with you (with all the ambiguity ThatLawyer recognizes in the definition of "hooked up"); (2) I'm related to you; or (3) you've only ever been tangentially in my life. #3 applies to the guys I went to school with but by graduation I couldn't remember a single conversation we had had that went further than the courtesy "'sup?" "not much, man." This is, for the most part, for my friends. My just friends friends.
This is a letter for the men who have come into my life and left their imprint (or continue to leave their imprint). Some I almost dated, but only two are included who I actually dated. One of them later told me he's gay, finally answering all the unanswered questions I had about why it didn't work out. The other was just a really good guy but we had really bad timing.
Some of the others I thought I would ultimately end up with, but it's never happened. Most I never even thought I would date. This isn't to say they're undateable (a word spellcheck doesn't recognize but I think should exist). When I met them, I just knew it would never work out: they're married; they're engaged; they're my student; I met them when they were dating my friend; I thought they were assholes when I first met them and when I finally learned to like them I already knew I would never fall in love with them.
These are the men I have no regrets with (except for the two I actually dated and one I really should've dated).
To those men, I want to say this:
Thank you.
Seriously, thanks. You have taught me what I want in life - and sometimes what I don't want - without forcing me to go through any of the angstyness that Hollywood associates with teen love but that for single women can really last well into our 30s. You have taught me what love is without eventually breaking my heart (or forcing me to break yours). And you have brought humor into my life without it coming from a re-telling of a date gone horribly wrong.
You have, at times, been the one I turned to when I wondered what was wrong with me. Thank you for saying it's not me. I don't know if you were lying or not, but I appreciate even the fake reassurances. Thanks for occasionally telling me all my ex-boyfriends were losers, but not doing it so often that I start to think I'm only attracted to losers. And thanks for finding creative ways to tell me they're kind of losers, like I just hadn't found someone who wasn't awesome enough to be half of my whole. I know they're not really all losers, but sometimes I've needed you to say it anyhow.
I've watched how you treat your wives and girlfriends. While my expectations for how to be treated are, of course, principally influenced by my family, you have also helped form my opinion about what to expect, and what I can't accept. I appreciate the public kindnesses you show your girlfriend / fiance / wife, and I cringe when I hear you complain about them behind their backs. I can only imagine what my boyfriend(s) must say about me in similar circumstances. I know I talk too much - we all know we talk too much for you. I guess I'm glad, though, that you say it to me and not her. She probably doesn't deserve that.
You, however, probably deserve better. Why do you put up with someone who only tells you all the things you've done wrong and never shows you the public kindnesses you so richly deserve? Would it kill the girl to throw you a public compliment every now and again? You are (probably) a good guy; I wouldn't actually have been friends with you but for that. I realize the sex must be amazing, but as my father once told my great-grandmother: you have to get out of bed sometime. (True story.) Get out of bed! If you still like her as a person, then stay with her. But based on all you tell me, I sometimes doubt you really like her as a person.
That said, I have been sick when you hit on me when you have a girlfriend / fiance / wife - and I mean really hit on me, not the harmless flirting I love to engage in with almost anyone. You knew you had a girlfriend / fiance / wife. I knew you had one, and you knew I knew you had one. So why make me feel so bloody cheap? Like Taylor Swift, even if I don't know the other woman in your life, I'll "feel an obligation to do what's upstanding and right." Oh, and "I'm no one's exception, this I have previously learned." This isn't to pretend I haven't sometimes been tempted. I have, a few times. But I've never gone through with it because it just makes me feel so gross. Like I need to walk away and take a shower right away gross. And no, that shower won't be a good thing.
I really don't understand how I feel more guilt and a greater obligation to a woman I may never have met than you do to the woman you've promised to honour and respect. And yes, that's the promise you make when you're dating us; the real difference between a monogamous relationship and marriage is that the latter is supposed to last for forever. You don't get to treat a girl like she's expendable and cheap simply because she's not your wife. Perhaps it's because I've been cheated on, but when you hit on me you're actually hurting me. It makes me doubt that I'll ever find someone I want to be with who I also trust enough to be with. If the men I do trust in every other area of my life habitually cheat, how in the world am I supposed to trust someone not to cheat on me?
And for that, thank you to those of you who haven't cheated. That includes those of you who are reformed cheaters; the ones who found the right girl and stopped trying to emulate Hugh Heffner - robe and all. You really do give me hope. I remember when one of my exes cheated and all his friends said, "I really thought he'd changed." I thought at the time, "Men can't change." I do still kind of wonder if they can, but you did so I have hope that when my future significant other says "Yeah, I once cheated on my ex-girlfriend," he's really confessing a former habit rather than a continuing one. Please tell me if that's naive.
It drives me crazy that I know you rolled your eyes when I used Taylor Swift. I know she writes for an average audience of 17. I don't care. She's fun; sometimes her lyrics work in real life. I'm not pretending she's an existential theorist who uses song as her medium. I'm just enjoying something I can dance to for 30 seconds in my living room when I need a break.
Thanks for the gifts you've given - and the salsa you've danced with me. I need salsa, but going to a club as a single woman inevitably means a great deal of discomfort. The salsa teachers - who are so much fun to dance with! - only want to dance with you because they think you'll eventually buy lessons and no one will be around to sweep you away. The single guys you've never met want to dance but they're either so busy trying to remember the steps that they're no fun, or they're too busy trying to hit on you that they can't dance. Either way, it's nice to have a guy friend to dance with, even if it's only one song out of ten. So stop telling me you don't know how to do it - 90% of the men in the club don't know how to do it and the others just want my money in the end! I'll take dancing with you and your two left feet over the other choices any day. It's way more fun.
And the presents - they matter not because they cost you something, but because they last. It has sucked when all my presents from guys are the things I want to discard when the relationship is over. Your presents, though, get to stay around and every time I pick up that key chain / stuffed animal / cushion cover / Christmas ornament / scarf / purse / necklace / ring / earrings / book, I say a little prayer of thanks for you. I need these reminders; the reminders that the good guys are out there and they're really very good. It's nice to be reminded that I do have normal, sane, healthy relationships with really great men. Maybe one day I'll even get to have that with sex!
You have often made me laugh, sometimes to the point of tears. Unfortunately, your toilet-humour has worn off so that sometimes I say something really raunchy. I know that you love it when you say it, and find it a turn-off when a woman does. I kind of hate that double standard. The thing is, I like making people feel comfortable and I am pretty laid back, so I will generally follow the other person's lead on the tone of a conversation. If you don't want me to be as gross as you, just don't be gross in front of me. Or get rid of the double standard.
I appreciate that you challenge me. I hate that you usually do it while talking down to me. I'm not going to say I'm smarter than you, because I'll only ever be smarter than you in some things; just like you'll only ever be smarter than me in some things. But I am pretty frigging intelligent. I can understand arguments and logic; I know the difference between facts and opinions. If I disagree with you, it's not because I don't know understand your point. It's because I understood your point, respect your position and still disagree with your conclusions. Could you please afford me the same courtesy?
 | |
| Me - trying to talk to you. About almost anything. |
I am grateful that you never put me on a pedestal and engage with me an as actual human being rather than some fragile little doll you're afraid of upsetting. I hate when I'm dating a guy and suddenly all the interesting conversations stop because they've become so concerned about impressing me that they stopped engaging with me. On the other hand, I hate it when a guy is so turned on by the fight that he's always looking for a new way to disagree with me. He also stops engaging with me, just in a different way. But you haven't, and I'm grateful. Of course, our constant disagreements about everything from gun control to abortion rights to the "fiscal cliff" may be one of the reasons you're undateable to me...(I would say 'just kidding,' but I'm not really. It doesn't mean I don't think you're great; you're just probably not great for me.)
So thank you. For listening, for making me laugh, for challenging me, and for pointing me closer to the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of man I'm willing to be with. And thanks for doing it while not seriously scarring me. I'm sorry if our not hooking up has ever left you feeling used or undesired. You're not - you're pretty awesome actually, and as a result I'm really glad you came into my life.
xoxo
T
And like ThatLawyer, let me say that you shouldn't assume this was to you. It might be; but it's unlikely all of it will be relevant to any of you.
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