A Semi-Universal Apology for Being a Bad Friend

I hurt a friend without meaning to.  

In fact, it’s probably happened a lot in the past two years, as the demands of the PhD increasingly pushed out free time, and the "free time" I did have was principally dedicated to stress management, meetings, or working on an extra project to make ends meet (I think those last two negate the meaning of “free time,” but … well, that was my reality). When I left the PhD, I spent around 9 months living on couches or in temporary situations while I waited to firmly establish myself in my new city. Even then, it's proving temporary as I prepare for field research. This has meant that my evenings were often spent with hosts, or trying to find a grocery store, rather than following up on missed communications.

The friends who got my attention were the ones who demonstrated a need for it, or who went out of their way to demand it. As a result, other friendships didn’t get the attention they deserved.  

It was never intentional, but it isn’t excusable either.

I can’t tell my friend that I’m sorry right now – the present circumstances suggest the kindest thing for me to do is to love her from afar and wait to discuss this another time. The realization of her hurt today, however, left me wondering how many other friends right now secretly resent me for not responding to that email, or not following up with a phone-call, or missing their birthday party, or engagement shower, or wedding. Who is annoyed that when I’m home in Cleveland, a disproportionate amount of my time is dedicated to my niece and nephew and little of it is spent outside the confines of my parents’ and siblings’ houses? How can I tell these friends that they still matter to me, even if at times these past few years it hasn’t felt so?

A semi-universal apology is a bit of a cop-out, but I’m afraid many won’t tell me that our friendship has been adversely affected by my PhD years.

There are inevitably some who will say “How could you not know?”  And that might be a fair criticism.  I’d like to explain a bit, though. This isn’t intended to minimize my faults, but to acknowledge them as part of my life. 

I am great at addressing things that require little mental energy and lots of pep-talking (yes, my red-headed friend, you will find a job you like someday; no, my brunette friend, you should not feel bad about your break-up). I’m also amazing at using the 30 second mental breaks I need on facebook to write political commentary. And before you say “you use way more than 30 seconds on facebook!,” I know.  But often I’m just scanning through the newsfeed to see what’s interesting, and since I type 100 wpm, it usually isn’t more than 5 minutes at a time.  

At creating space and time to sit down and re-connect one-on-one about personal things?  I’m discovering I’m not good at that.  For starters, I have very little concept of time.  I frequently begin sentences with “The other day…” when I mean “Six months ago…,” and “last month” frequently indicates “two years ago…”  More than once a day I will look at the pictures of friends’ children and think, “Wow… I can’t believe X has a 5 year old.  I mean, we’re not really old enough for that!” I’m 37.  Almost every single one of my friends is old enough to have a 5 year old.  I’ve only practiced law for around 5 years, despite being a lawyer since 2005, which is shocking since I’m pretty sure I finished law school like two years ago.

Okay, those last bits are a little exaggerated, but not nearly as exaggerated as you might think. 

I went around 4 years with limited contact with one of my best friends in the world.  I never meant for it to be that way, but suddenly we were reconnecting in Scandinavia and I realized that I hadn’t seen her, or really spoken to her, since I had started the PhD.  At that point, I was due to submit it in about a month.  Thankfully, she’s the kind of friend where things pick up as if no time had passed at all. And too often it’s easy for me to believe that’s how all my friendships are, without realizing some of them need a little more nurturing than I’ve provided.

The friend I hurt – the one I know I hurt – is someone I considered one of my closest friends in the world.  Literally last month (yes I’m using literally correctly, but only because I have an event to serve as a point of reference), I listed her among the very small number of people I was certain would one day celebrate my 45^th birthday with a week-long celebration on a small island (that’s scheduled to happen in about 12 years; and “very small number” for me was still in excess of a dozen so I’m bad at numbers).  When I thought of her, I felt like I’d just seen her recently.  When I thought through the dates more intentionally, it’s probably been over a year.

That hurt. Like a punch in the gut hurt. 

The reality that it had been more than a year since we talked actually changes nothing for me. She remains one of the most important people in my life.  She’s a part of me, of who I’ve become.

I just wish she knew that, and I’m devastated that she was ever led to doubt it.

So, if you’re reading this and thinking / hoping this apology is for you, please let it be.  I’m going to try to be a better friend, which may include less time commenting on politics on facebook and more time sending direct messages instead.  Facebook tells me I have over 1600 friend, and with the exception of around 10, they are actually people I know from real life.  I’m going to try to focus on a few dozen who deserved a better friend than I’ve been to them, but if you find I’m taking too long to get to you, I hope you’ll reach out and let me know.

As for the friend who prompted this post?  She’ll remain on my 45^th birthday invite list, and hopefully sometime in the near-ish future, things will be in place for me to tell her that.