A Year in Review... and a Year in Anticipation

The last year has been ...

That sentence has filled my Facebook status for the past two days.  I've tried to think of how to finish that sentence, but I can't.  There was no defining moment of 2013 for me; just small moments that filled me with great joy, great fear, or great sorrow.

For me, 2013 was:

• discovering the countries of my dominant ancestry with good friends. Slovenia with C, J, A and J2; Germany with A2.  They weren't "It's Tuesday so we must be..." trips; they were work related, with a little enjoyment on the side.  They were good for my soul, though, and made me want to reconnect with my family's history.
• walking with S, talking about her relationship and beliefs in God, feeling like she was my younger, cooler self coming back to remind me of my own life journey. 
• an inordinate amount of dance breaks to Taylor Swift, watching R - who was once in a music video - show us "how to dance." 
• long conversations about love, human rights, relationships, and feminism with R & J, my flatmates and close friends, as evening turned to night and night turned to early mornings. It was also playing "geography quiz" with these two, very intelligent, women who would very comfortably fit into those "Look at how bad Americans are at geography quizzes" videos, except they aren't Americans.  It very much made me feel better about the US! (kidding girls... sort of.)  
• handing K my rucksack and letting him carry it home.  I'm a feminist.  Learning to let a man carry my rucksack was... not easy.  K, like S who is discussed below, does things like that, though, out of respect for women.  In his culture, that's what men do for women they care for.  It's not because he thinks I need him to carry my rucksack.  There's no confusion as to whether I'm strong enough or independent enough or simply capable enough.  He just cares for me, and part of that means easing my burden a little bit.  But... learning to accept that... that was a period of growth for me, because it meant accepting how he expressed his care rather than forcing him to care for me as I'm used to.  By the time he was to go home, I realized I was very much going to miss handing him that bag, not because it really made my life easier but because it meant my friend and all his respect, care, and appreciation were leaving me.
• watching S run up the street to check our garage and make sure no one was breaking into our home.  S is an amazing guy friend we called when we thought someone was breaking in.  Five minutes away normally, he arrived in 2. Looked around.  Realized we weren't in danger of being murdered in our sleep and left.  He had to do this one more time for me a few weeks later when I was all by myself.  And even though I deserved it, he never actively made fun of me for this.
• a second trip to Istanbul, a place I love and am always ready to re-discover.
• my first real cancer-scare.  2013 was when I discovered the UK sends you a letter if you might have cancer - and then again if you do have cancer.  I love universal health care, but I kept thinking that the UK could learn from places like Belgium and the US, where you at least get a phone call for news like that.  
• deepening friendships with my fellow PhDs, and realizing how lucky I am to be with the cadre of people life threw at me.
• finding my inner - sometimes suppressed - love-filled radical. I'm not scary radical. I don't believe in violence; I categorically reject the notion that blood must be shed in revolutions; I don't think people are evil for not agreeing with me; I don't think people are evil for not being me - for being men, or a different color, race, ethnicity, religion, political party, socioeconomic background, etc., etc. I don't think we should overthrow all of anything, much less our world, our government, or our global relationships.  But, I remembered what it was to challenge authority that exerts itself solely because of its position, and strengthened the voice inside myself that lets me challenge that same claim of authority.
• getting closer to the professional I wish to be.
• my friend C, who I was in Slovenia with.  I let her down at one point in the year, but she's such an amazing friend that she hasn't let it be the defining moment of our lives.  Instead, during another trip, she kept trying to buy random things for me - even before my wallet was stolen!  We'd go into a shop and she'd say, "Oh, do you need me to buy your adapter?"  Um, no, I have the 3 CHF available.  "Oh, right! Sorry!"  Normally, you don't need to apologize to me for throwing money my way.  She's just so caring and so lovely.  I can't wait until I can travel again to get over to Belgium and visit her! 
• learning how violent theft actually is, even when no violence is present.  Being robbed makes you feel vulnerable, hurt, betrayed, stupid, anxious, frustrated, alone, and fearful. There was no violence when I my wallet was stolen, but it felt emotionally violent.  My friends, though, came through big time, and I will forever be grateful for them.
• My brother provided me with so many invaluable gifts this year.  A niece. Time with my nephew.  And he was the first person in my family to read my email, so he was also the first one to offer to write funds when my wallet was stolen.  As I was walking back to meet friends after talking to the police, he called to ask if the email was really from me and if so how much money I needed.  The case was an early Christmas gift; knowing I had someone looking out for me is a forever gift. 
• New friendships. 

I can't predict 2014.  I have a few goals - have a better prayer life; be a better friend; publish; travel; finish my PhD.  But what I really want in the new year - what I want this new year to be about - is creating space for myself, for the person I want to be.  I want to go back to living life as I did at 22 without the naivety, stupidity, and bad choices, but with the joy, constant sense of adventure, and willingness to take real risks.  Doing a PhD chips away at that lifestyle a bit, but I'm looking forward to going back to it. Oh - and my dating life!  I'd love my 22 year old's dating life again.  Hmmm... scratch that.  25 year old self dated guys who could at least afford nice meals out!